must keep going. must keep fighting. truth, remember truth, drown out the lies…
Truth. I am loved. I am wanted. I am known. My Father believes in me, and he’s taking care of me. This won’t last forever. There is a purpose, and there will be an end.
Dreams are only dreams. They’re not real. I don’t need to be afraid of them. Those things didn’t really happen…
I am not forgotten. I am not rejected. I am not alone.
My God… my God is so strong, and he’s carrying me. He will never let me go. He is stronger than me and my rebellious heart. He’s stronger than the demons and darkness that torments me. He’s stronger than all the helplessness I can ever feel. He’s stronger than all the lies and rules and patterns I’ve been believing for so long. He’s stronger than me when I keep holding on to things when I need to let go. He’s stronger than my failures, he’s stronger than my pain. He’s stronger than all the pain and worry and weariness and suffering that I’ve caused people, that I’ve caused in my friends and family. He’s stronger than every relapse, every slip up, every time I knowingly choose to go backwards and do what is wrong, or unhealthy for me.
My God is stronger than me and my ceaselessly selfish heart.
I am forgiven. Even if I can’t forgive myself, God forgives me, and still loves me.
I am sorry, world. I cannot do some great inspirational post tonight. All I can do is hang on. All I can do is survive. I am trying not to hate myself right now… but it’s hard when the thing I’m fighting is myself.
Little girl, run away and hide in the corner. A dark corner, in the basement, with dust and cobwebs and shadows. No one will find you there. Hold yourself tight, don’t let the screams out, push it all down, make it all stop. Calm the hysteria, the fear, the mania. Calm down and push it in. Breathe. Let yourself breathe. Your mind will slow its desperate spinning. You’ll be able to think again, feel again, think logically again.
Hold your hands, don’t let them go. Don’t let them tear your body apart. Hold them tight, even if it hurts. Don’t pick up the knife.
Hush, baby, hush, listen to the night. Listen to the beauty of the stillness. Let your mind rest, it’s okay, it’s okay.
Don’t let them in, don’t let them see. Be the good girl you always have to be. Conceal, don’t feel, put on a show… make one wrong move and everyone will know.