The darkness is strong today. So much has happened in the past week, so many great and wonderful things. I finally opened my eyes to reality, to what will happen if nothing changes now. Monday was so emotionally and mentally draining, but it was also so good. Yesterday I was tired, but still riding on the high.
But today… everything’s hitting me all at once.
In chapel, they talked about the fear and shame that comes with being honest. A couple people shared testimonies. One girl spoke about rape and sexual abuse that she had never ever shared before. I sat there loving her and admiring her and wanting to give her a hug. And then the next guy talked about the shame in his life, and I started thinking about my own.
See, Monday was a really good day. I faced reality, and I see more clearly than ever before what I need to do in order to be done with all my addictions forever. It exhausted me, and I took several long naps. Then I ended up in one of my freshies’ rooms, and there were like four freshmen in there with me. We were tired, we were slap happy. Classes were cancelled for the next day, so we were totally fine with staying up super late. Problem was, we were all so tired we were basically acting drunk. I don’t even remember how it came out, but somehow I ended up telling them that I’d been kicked out of school last year because I was psycho, and that I’d been in a mental hospital before.
All I can think about now is that I shouldn’t have said those things, not to them, not in that context. They didn’t need to know that. I could feel their judgment on me… they will never trust me again. I legitimately think they’re afraid of me. I’ve lost everything I tried to build into these relationships. People can share about sexual assault and the shame and sin in their lives, and they will be accepted and loved. But if I share that I was kicked out of school because I was psycho, and I’ve spent time in a mental hospital, then everyone will take a step away from me and put up walls, because I’m “crazy,” and I can’t be trusted. Maybe they even think I’m dangerous.
I want to curl up in a ball and hide. I want to cry… but heck, I’ve already done plenty of that lately. I wish I’d never said anything. I wish they still thought I was normal, or at least the normal kind of crazy. I want so badly to cut.
But I also want to be loved, accepted, wanted, held, even though I’m stupid and crazy.
But I am weak right now, weak and vulnerable, and the enemy is attacking. My mind is becoming a garbled mess again… I can’t figure out if I’m supposed to talk to someone, or just pray and get through this with just me and God. I know he’s stronger than anything, and he can fight off my darkness for me, but somehow it’s not going away. I don’t know what to do.
I’m scared. Scared of being hurt. Scared of what people think of me. I’m being torn apart by the different desires inside me. I want to stop eating and lose more weight and get down to a size zip again. I want to cut and bleed and destroy myself. I want to die. I want to be dead. But… at the same time… I want to get better. I want to eat with freedom again. I want to be healthy and happy and confident. I want to live, to really and truly live, not just survive.
Abba Father, help me. I need you so much. I can’t get through this day alone. I’m sorry… I’m sorry I keep failing. I’m sorry I keep choosing destructive things over the life you’ve given me. I’m sorry. Please, please, hold me close today. Fight away the demons. They will run at the sound of your voice. Fight away the darkness, because I cannot. Help me, help me want to be better. Help me want to choose that for myself, not for the people in my life. Help me to forgive myself, to give myself grace, to… to love myself.
It still sounds so wrong, Father. I shouldn’t love myself, I am a terrible person. I should punish myself and make myself suffer, because that’s what I deserve. But Abba, Daddy… help me. Help me to love myself like you love me.