It was hard tonight. Heck, it still is. I want nothing more than to curl up in a ball and be held by someone.
Fun fact… I’m listening to Pandora, and the song that just came on is Wrapped in Your Arms by Fireflight. Basically… I’m wrapped in God’s arms. Right now. I wanna cry. He’s so kind, so sweet.
Tonight I started with the gentle words… “Hush, hush. You’re ok.” But they only slowed the onslaught; they didn’t stop it. In the past hour, it’s become more of “Shut the f*** up. Shut up! Leave me alone.” And it was directed more against that messy mix of my own thoughts, ED thoughts, and the usual Satan’s lies.
I’m tired. I’m weak. I’m tired of fighting. I’m tired of holding in the tears, of being strong, of answering questions, of freaking smiling. I want to cut, just because that will let everything come out. Somehow, it’s ok for emotions to come out if I’m bleeding.
I went to be alone, in the big lobby downstairs, dark and shadowed. The only light came in from the tall windows, where there was a swirling storm of snow outside. I sat huddled up on the steps, alternating between rocking and hiding my face in my blanket. I had my Bible, I meant to read it, but my thoughts were too loud. They interrupted every single phrase. So I gave up and held it to my heart and rocked again. And I prayed. Whispered prayers into those shadows… and some prayers that didn’t even make it to a whisper.
But he heard.
And he answered.
He calmed my heart. I know I’m gonna have to cry or let out emotion at some point, but I don’t think I’ll cut tonight. I think I’ll be ok. No cutting, or purging. I’m not shaking anymore. I’m not freaking out so much about dinner anymore.
He… wanted me to sing. It took me a while, but eventually I began whispering the words out. “… the snow is raging like this swirling storm inside. Couldn’t keep it in… heaven knows I tried. Don’t let them in, don’t let them see, be the good girl you always have to be, conceal, don’t feel, don’t let them know…”
It took a couple tries, but I did manage to sing out the chorus. It was hard. Because I didn’t want to let go. I wanted to scrunch up in my pain and take it out on myself.
“Let it go, let it go, can’t hold it back anymore. Let it go, let it go. That perfect girl is gone. I don’t care what they’re going to say, let the storm rage on… the cold never bothered me anyway.”
I sang it. I even put a little strength to it. I didn’t really do it, I didn’t really let go… but I sang it. And I felt a little bit better.
I found a way to hide… I can listen to the emotional music I want to listen to, and use headphones. I hate headphones, because I’m not aware of everything around me, and I’m not prepared for people when they come in. But maybe I really need to block everyone out for a little bit. Maybe that’s ok. I don’t know.
I am vulnerable right now. I hope this weekend goes ok… I’m a little worried, honestly. I have to tell myself, yes eat. No jumping off roofs. Yes wear a coat. No purging. No cutting. Yes stay with people. Yes talk, yes relax, yes pray.
God help me. I need you… I can’t do this alone. I can’t get through a single day. Help me. Hold me. Don’t stop holding me, Daddy.
Wrapped in Your Arms, by fireflight…