Oh heart of mine, why can’t you just be okay?
But no. My heart is lonely, doubting, and telling me nothing’s even close to okay.
Something hit me yesterday, in counseling. My family has moved on. They don’t need me anymore. I used to be the little girl who would do little things to cheer people up, to help them be okay. I put myself in this place where I built up so many standards that I could never reach… so much pressure that I could never ease. I was the one who could bring the smiles back. I was the one who could lighten the load. I was the one who people could depend on to listen. My family depended on me, to a degree, for those things. Or at least I believed they did.
It has been a comfort to be needed. Not only in my family, but in friendships and other relationships. I like taking care of people. I like knowing that I can offer something that is greatly appreciated. But yesterday… I realized that my family doesn’t need me anymore. They’ve learned to get those needs met in other ways. Maybe that’s how it always was… maybe they never needed me at all. But now… I am sad. I’m glad they’re communicating with each other better, and they’re laughing together and connecting on so many things… but I don’t fit in with that anymore. We don’t connect on much anymore.
I guess it hit home in the fact that I didn’t mourn my grandma’s death like everyone else is. I wasn’t close to her at all; I haven’t seen her in several years. Whereas everyone else has seen her at least once every year. They’re all sad… I feel nothing. I am so much of an outsider in this.
I’ve been gone so much of the past few years. My family has grown away from me, shared experiences without me, and… they don’t need me anymore. And now I’m leaving again, and it’s going to get worse. I have felt like the black sheep for so long, but the feeling is more intensely clear now. It’s like I’m not even a part of the family. I know it doesn’t help that I’m moving away again… but the reasons I’m moving haven’t changed. That still needs to happen. It’s just… I’m sad. My family doesn’t need me anymore. While that’s good… does it mean they’re going to drop me completely? Will they invest in a relationship with me? Or will they let it all fade away? Do they want me? Or do they just want what I offer?
So I am sad. My heart is sad, doubting, and scared. I want to crawl into a hole and die. I want to cut and binge and purge and everything. I feel like I am only a burden to my family. Maybe they would be better off without me. Maybe everything is better this way.
I want someone to hold me, to tell me it’s gonna be okay. This is hard. It hurts. My stupid heart.