I want to dance again. I want to live.
To really live, I mean, not just survive. I don’t want to just be or look successful, or smart, or rich, or wise. I don’t want to only be secure in things like finances and a house and a job. I want those things, yes. I need those things, to a degree. But I don’t want that to be all there is. Because if that is all there is… there is nothing.
I was thinking about that chapter in the Bible about love today. It lists all these great accomplishments, and then says that without love, they are all nothing. And then it goes on to describe love.
I want a life with love.
Love is a risk. So much of a risk. To love is to risk rejection, betrayal, and indifference. To accept love from another is to risk deceit, abandonment, and abuse. Both are excruciatingly vulnerable and terrifying. Part of me would rather just keep things as they were before, before I started challenging myself and my beliefs… before I began my journey in LIFE. I could survive… for a while. Then eventually… I’d kill myself.
As much as I sometimes want to believe I can go back, I can’t. I’m alive. I can’t undo what I have lived, what I have experienced. I KNOW there is more than just the boring life of performance, dragging along doing what you have to so you can make it through another day. I hate that life. And the thing is, I have tasted love. I have known unconditional acceptance from dear friends. I know what it is to laugh through pain. I know what joy the little things in life can bring… the things that cost so little in money.
Dancing, skipping, puddle jumping, snowball fights and snowman building. Deep conversations that breathe life into relationships, life and depth and trust. Drawing and making messes. Doing the things that you get excited about. Dressing up. Dressing down. Climbing trees. Reading books. Watching movies. Crying, hugs, dead serious challenges or all out silliness.
I know what life is. And now I can’t live without it. I have to be truly living, loving, or I don’t want to live at all. And that’s where the suicidal thoughts come in. But I can’t do that anymore, either. I know what this life can hold for me, for everyone, and I don’t want to miss out on it. And I really don’t want anyone else to miss out on it either. I want to help, if I can.
I am on a journey toward life, through life. A journey to love others, myself, and God. I know I can love others… but it’s hard. Oftentimes, I want to stop and give up on everyone. It feels safer that way. But I can’t… not if I want to really live. I have to keep trying. Loving myself is even harder, because that involves believing I’m actually worthy of it, that I’m actually able to be loved. So much of the time, I can’t do that. It also means I have to accept love. Sometimes it’s too scary, even coming from myself. Loving God… that might be hardest of all. I still need to learn how to let it be okay in my mind to love someone I’m also angry at, or who I’m trying to avoid. And I need to accept his love, too.
I know that love is. It exists. Life exists. I want to dance again, to feel alive again.
I am on a journey toward it, through it. Here’s to living.