I used to think that my own pain, struggle, battle didn’t matter so much, because it was all in my head. I didn’t have a reason for it. I wasn’t abused. I wasn’t abandoned. I wasn’t hurt, physically. There was no really traumatic event, ever. I didn’t lose any family or close friends to death while I was young. I didn’t have to move, not for as long as I can remember. My parents and family stayed intact. I was never bullied. I always had enough to eat. I always had enough of every physical thing.
I thought that my pain couldn’t be real, because I came from a good home. I thought that by hurting, I was being ungrateful and disloyal to my family and all the love they had shown me. Yeah, they messed up. They messed up a lot. But not in the ways I thought should matter.
I thought that there was something horribly wrong with me, because I wanted more than what I had. I felt guilty every time I got discouraged or tired. I shouldn’t feel depressed; I had gone through nothing that should make me depressed.
But the truth is… I hurt. I have had pain in my heart for a very long time.
I cannot identify how much of it is spiritual, biological, environmental, or from my own decisions. It’s a mixture of everything. But however it got here, there is pain in me. Lots of pain.
I still feel guilty for expressing it. I feel like everyone else has gone through so much more than I have. I have no right to speak up. It would be like complaining about a scraped knee to someone who’s been hit by a car. It would be like rubbing salt in their wounds. I feel like they would give so much to have my pain instead of their own. I have no right to let it bother me.
Everyone around me has so much pain. It’s always been that way. I’ve always been sensitive to it. I remember passing cars at stop lights, and looking into the faces of the drivers, and seeing their pain. There would always be stress and worry and anger and sometimes real tears on their faces. They had pain. They all had pain. And my family, they all had pain. My parents grew up with a lot of pain, much more than I’ve ever experienced. Then of course they had to deal with the pain of having me, and all the rest of my siblings. My siblings, they had pain. Pain from the blades of mocking words. Pain from the wounds we caused each other, the wounds caused by me. I can never forget their faces, every single time I hurt them. They had a lot of pain. And my friends… they’ve all been through so much. So very much.
In comparison, my own pain is nothing.
But maybe pain is not something that is meant to be compared.
Pain is pain, and it hurts. Whatever caused it, whatever form it takes, it’s still real.
My pain is overwhelming, and that means that everyone else’s must be—
But wait. What if I just left it there? My pain is overwhelming.
It’s okay to just say that. It’s okay to acknowledge how I’m feeling. It’s okay to let it hurt. It’s not selfish. It’s not wrong.
Just… closing my eyes, and looking at only me for a second… that’s so, so hard… I am hurting.
I am hurting. Scared. Lonely. Terrified. Weak. Vulnerable. Tired. Exhausted. Confused. Guilty. I feel awful. I feel like crying all the time, even when I’m laughing and talking and acting fine. I don’t remember when I last had a day when I didn’t cry. My heart hurts. It aches, and I’m scared, so scared. I’m longing to be safe and warm and loved on. But the thing is, I’m not a little girl. I can’t climb up on anyone’s lap when I’m hurting. I never actually did, when I was little… but I always wanted to.
I’m scared. Scared of staying alive. Scared of being alone. Scared of getting worse. Scared of falling deeper and having to endure the torture of an entire lifetime of despair. I’m scared that if I let go of everything I have to hold on to, there won’t be anything left. I’m scared God’s just going to leave me here, leave me alone, and I’ll never feel him, never see him, and I’ll always have to walk with blind faith. I’m not strong enough for that. It hurts to be alone.
It hurts… and it never stops. There’s always that ache in my throat, always that pressure around my eyes. It sometimes gets distracted, when I hurt myself physically. Physical pain feel so much better than this. It feels alright to be sad then, if I’m bleeding. It’s alright to cry if I have relentless pressure constantly rubbing against open cuts, making them sting, making them bleed, making them never heal. It’s alright… because then it’s not in my head. Then it’s something worth crying about.
I feel discouraged. I feel despair. I feel angry, angry that I’m still alive. I feel so much hurt, there are not enough words to describe it. My heart shudders every time it beats. My lungs scream every time I force breath into them. My stomach cringes every time nutrients reach it. My head pounds until there is so much pressure it cannot even pound anymore.
Sometimes my heart stops for a second. Sometimes I don’t breathe. Sometimes I don’t eat, or I puke up what I do eat. Sometimes I hold my head as tight as I possibly can, hoping that it will break, and the pressure would end. And I think, over and over, it would be so much nicer if my heart didn’t beat, if my lungs didn’t breathe, my stomach didn’t eat, and my brain didn’t think. It would hurt so much less if I were dead. There’s no other escape. There’s nothing else that works. It always comes back. Always. If I were to kill myself, I would be taking a chance that all I believe is true, but at least I would know. At least it would all be over.
In a little over one week, I’ll be in residential. I have to make it till then. I’m just scared, so scared of staying alive. And I don’t know how to ask for help. Because there’s nothing anyone can do.
This pain is real. It hurts. I don’t need to compare it to everyone else’s. I don’t need to prove that it’s real. It is real. It hurts a lot.
And it does matter.