I am a fighter.

I’m a sucker for those personality quizzes on facebook.  Well really, any personality quizzes.  But those are the most convenient to take.  Anyway, over the past couple years, I’ve noticed a change in my strengths.  I used to be mainly compliant and helpful and caring, the kind of person who’s known for her sweetness.  People were so proud of me because I was responsible… I was good at taking care of people, mainly kids.

But I always felt trapped when that was all that showed.  I felt like a part of me was being held back, like it wasn’t acceptable.  I guess I was afraid to show it because I was afraid I’d be rejected for it.  Of course it came out in some ways… but those were all the results of pushing it down, so they were in big bursts.  And usually the big bursts did get rejected.  I’d fight with my siblings a lot… I think most of the fighting in my family when I was young revolved around me and one of my older sisters, or me and one of my brothers.  I got mad when someone crossed me and what I believed I deserved.  Then I’d get in trouble and feel guilty for being so passionate… so I repressed that part of me even more.

But lately, that part of me has come out again.  I am a fighter.  I fight for myself, for what I believe I deserve.  I fight for what I know is right.  I fight for recovery.  Every day in my head is a series of intense battles, and I’m constantly fighting against the darkness on the other side.  It’s funny… it comes out in all the personality tests.  I used to get the helper role all the time… but now I always get the fighter.

See, I am quiet and sweet and kind and helpful.  I care deeply about people, and I love taking care of them.  But there’s more to me than that.  I am also a fighter, passionate and fierce.  I am stubborn and proud, sure of what I want and what I don’t want.  I am learning who I am, and what I learn, I embrace.  It’s so weird, because it’s so different.  But those other parts of me that I grew up with… they weren’t wrong.  They don’t disappear now.  It’s just that now I not only care about people, I’m passionate about people.  I will fight for them.  I will fight against them, if they need it.  God knows I need people to fight against me sometimes to straighten me out when I’m all caught up in the darkness.  I still love to help out, and now I feel like I can help even more.  But I also am able to give myself the freedom to hang back and not help, if I think it might be too much for me.

I am a fighter, fierce and resilient.  The world may turn against me, but I will fight until there’s nothing left to fight.  I have to learn to replenish my reserves before I’m running on empty, but I am a fighter.

That’s why I’m still alive.